Parenting can feel like a tightrope walk. On the one hand, we’re tasked with protecting our children and guiding them to become happy, responsible adults. On the other hand, too much control or the wrong approach can backfire, damaging the trust we hope to build for the future. I’ve come to realize that certain parenting behaviors—though often well-intentioned—actually sabotage long-term trust.
Let’s explore nine common habits worth leaving behind if we want our children to view us as genuine, supportive allies when they grow up.
1. Being overprotective. Do you remember a time when you genuinely wanted to try something on your own, but an adult swooped in and did it for you? It probably felt frustrating or belittling. Sometimes, I catch myself doing the same thing with my niece—stepping in before she has a chance to figure things out on her own. When we’re too overprotective, we rob kids of the opportunity to learn from mistakes and develop resilience. They might grow up questioning whether we trust them with even the simplest tasks. That doubt can linger, making them wonder if we ever believed in their abilities at all.
One piece of advice I’ve often found useful is to remind myself that mistakes are part of the learning process. Yes, it’s scary watching kids struggle or fail, but gentle guidance beats hovering any day. Ultimately, children who feel trusted to explore, make errors, and grow often reciprocate that trust down the road.
2. Constant criticism. As a millennial, I grew up in an era of participation trophies but also very vocal feedback from adults. We all benefit from constructive feedback, but nitpicking every misstep can tear down a child’s confidence faster than anything else. Children who are constantly criticized may see themselves as failures before they’ve even had a chance to succeed. That sets up a shaky foundation for future trust. If our child assumes we’ll judge or belittle them, why would they confide in us later.
If we want them to feel safe coming to us for advice—even after they’ve messed up—then balancing correction with empathy is key. Encouraging words can stick in a child’s mind forever, just as surely as negative ones.
3. Breaking promises. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” That age-old wisdom rings especially true when it comes to building long-term trust with our kids. If they hear “We’ll go get ice cream this weekend” or “I’ll show up at your recital,” and it never happens, it slowly chips away at their faith in us. Your word is your bond. And when it comes to kids, that bond is essentially the entire foundation of trust. Integrity, in the eyes of a child, is built through consistency. They’ll remember the times you kept your word—and the times you didn’t.
4. Not respecting privacy. Ever tried snooping through a teen’s phone out of worry, or felt tempted to read a child’s diary “just to be safe”? While our concerns are valid, it’s essential to recognize how an invasion of privacy feels from their perspective. Sure, it might be easier to look through their room if we suspect trouble. But if we do that without discussing our concerns or establishing boundaries, we risk sending the message that we don’t respect them. And if they don’t feel respected, trust is one of the first casualties.
Privacy invasions can breed secrecy. Kids who feel spied on are more likely to hide things in the future. Creating open conversations about safety and boundaries often fosters a sense of mutual respect. That way, if something concerning does come up, they’ll feel more comfortable coming to us rather than worried we might overreach.
