Sarah: Rite Tv we have a family therapist in the house Ms. Evas Atwiine and she has been here and we had a session where she talked about ‘the family system, purpose of family and the importance of family. A family is that place where we a raised. It can either make us or break us it’s our anchor it’s where we are affirmed and then we went on to understand from our therapist that family is actually a family system and she talked about four parts of a family system, the spousal sub-system, the parental sub-system, sibling sub-system and relative and workers sub-system. The example she gave was actually the digestive system and she said think about your mouth, your food pipe, your stomach, your intestines, the enzymes the functionality of eventually a human being eating and getting the benefit out of food. So family should be functioning well however her experience as a family therapist and as coach there has been a lot brokenness in our families and when we broke off she had just pointed out that in the past we put a lot of effort in the girl child we tell the girl a lot of things at every turn of the house she is being taught something; handle the sink this way , handle the finances this way, handle the cleanliness this way , speak to people like this so the girls are turning out to be a little stronger than the boys. She also said that anything that has two heads is a monster so we are not looking at creating a family with two heads our preference is we will have families with one head and then also talked about leadership the divine leadership concept as coming from God .We are ready to move into the next session because when we broke off we had just actually heard from her that the boy has been raised a little bit neglected but we want look at this young man maybe right from 5, 10,20 , 30 when he brings in a wife, when he becomes a father. Evas the young men where do we start?
Evas: In relationship coaching and in life coaching we believe that its never too late to do the right thing and again as a therapist I meet people panicking, what can I do I have already lost it and its even scriptural God promises to give us double for the years eaten by locusts. So I just want to caution my conversation on that because if we spend a lot of time panicking we are going to lose more but if we settle down and say where did we go wrong? And what do we need to do right? I think that’s the most redeeming part that we need to focus on.
This is where we have gone wrong; if we have settled in a place where we expect leadership from people we haven’t trained, we have told our boys and men ….I am trying to be as sensitive as I can. Going back to how society was, it was very organized and it was very clear very clear on what role a man was supposed to do in a family and what role a woman was supposed to do in a family. Moms or ladies were in a family to care, to nurture, to do home making and these are still our roles, it has not changed and from psychology we realize that the way women’s brains are made, we get into detail and we multitasking; it’s not something that we have just learn t, it’s in the brain so the way God made us there are certain things we gravitate towards certain areas we care we nurture trust in children ,we nurture compassion, we also nurture the soft part of the human being and so I want to say this and emphasize it because I have met women say can’t I also do this and that and some of them are burdened by that but this is something God created us to do, we do it and it’s perfect. Even when a woman is in leadership they will still gravitate towards certain areas, but it doesn’t mean that we neglect our God-given ordained role.
Men were into provision, protection, and survival this whole leadership concept, sheltering the family and so it has been surviving for a long time and it is very important. This has not changed but many other things have changed, we no longer have the beauty of compartmentalization where a man provides and a woman stays home. It all started after World War 2 when women invaded workplaces and started working since then things have changed and it can only get worse. Women have gone to workplaces and it is not something to lament or complain about because now women are earning and they are into provision. Some families are dependent on the income that comes from women/wives. I know a couple and both of them are in the army but the wife has a higher rank than the man and the man has to salute. That is how everything has gone in a certain direction.
The challenge we have had is that society has not prepared the boy child for the changing times and we have kept them in that old place of you are the boss you are a man. The compartments down are not supporting what you are telling him, so what happens to the boy and their leadership in a family where the income is earned by the wife? And there is nothing wrong with it, but how do they behave? How do they maintain the leadership position amidst all these changing situations?
What happens to this boy leadership whose wife is a minister or a speaker of Parliament, how do they relate with them and still maintain their leadership position? How do they keep stable to this man in a family where things no longer fit in the old compartment?
The concept of their leadership is still there but we haven’t nurtured them to keep in step with the changing times. How do we prepare our sons to sleep in the same bed with their wives who are ministers or CEOs and still be happy?
I want to emphasize some isues
Traditional leadership aspects of providing, strategic leadership of a vision for the family, of being a priest for the family. These expectations haven’t changed but how have we prepared our boys in these changing times .Have we nurtured the relational skills or we have kept them in the lie of you are the boss? And they go like I am the boss if you disturb me I will fire you from my home. I know exactly what is happening because I am speaking as marriage counselor . that is where conflicts are coming from
We have a very dis empowered man, low self esteem ,no confidence and some of them very paranoid. And of course some women are also confused,some women cannot fit in their skin because they earn certain amount which is very sad, they have contributed or built homes or whatever, so we go back to what I started with. This family relationship is very important that you should never be substituted with anything,with money and all the things you are thinking about .
How have we prepared our boys? Some of the boys are actually totally scared ,they say uhh how can I marry this girl who is earning more than me? Of course some young ladies are out of their skins but some are innocently waiting for a confident man and I want to speak to boys and young men who are listening that please do not carry this negative energy to the relationship and you are so paranoid that is why therapists are there to help ,just speak to someone and share your fears . I always ask them what are you scared of and they say this gender, and I always tell them to calm down and approach it with faith with confident and know that either a woman or man we are all broken people so if you see any weakness do not take it like they are against you.
Lets just build the confidence of our boys. Let me give you some quick tips
This empowered person is a very timid person and this empowerment is about skills for life management and every time we look at something and we say I cant manage that;what happens is that our esteem is evoked so that is what is happening to our boys and I want to emphasize the starting point with a story from my personal life. Those who know me know that I have four biological daughters and 1 boy and this boy came later. What I wanted to pick from there is that when I got this boy most people kept saying ‘’you are going to spoil’’ and I would really create certain feelings and I would ask them that why would I bring a child to this world to spoil him. But it communicated so much ‘the attitude that we have ;we nurture girls we spoil boys so any person spoilt that is a negative connotation . any spoilt person is not great and what is happening is that young boys luck basic relational skills and life is about relationships. Relationships at work and the first challenge they get they resign and they say you are not my father because some of them they can not submit to authority,submission to authority ,that is humility,so they luck the basic character trait;they luck humility ,they do not know how to listen, and it is manifesting in marriage relationships but also in other relationships they cant listen, you see a good leader listens. They have no listening skills ,they have no communication skills,they cant speak up and that’s why some of them are buttered in marriage.I have a very big burden for men in marriages who are buttered in marriage and they cant speak up. They have no one to speak to ,they haven’t done what they call emotional cleansing at all. They do not know how to love, there is a couple I was speaking to and she told me this is my love language and when I spoke to the husband he was like what is that ? imagine?
If you talk to the ladies they are complaining about the love not being expressed . Love has to be expressed and what have we told the boys? You are a man you are a man,those things are for women so they cannot be expressive and things that are killing their marriages /families are so basic. It is about how to validate your wife ,how you talk to your children,hug your spouse ,hug your children it is the little things that keep a family together .but they have been told that ah those are small things just provide
Sarah : You have a son or there is a son being raised,how can I bring out these soft skills in a boy,how do I bring out the tender heart? Do I raise him to speak a little more ?
Evas : Start where you are and why we are labouring to talk about this is because it has to be valued and understand this importance and tell the boys .
I was talking to my boy the other day who is being bullied by some girls in class and I told him to speak up and he said I told her but she just keeps disrupting me , I said tell her that u will not tolerate that and if she continues to do that, you will have to do something about it. We need to teach our boys the healthy assertiveness that is why most boys when they are angry they fight and they get violent that is why we have a lot of domestic violence.
Let us start by this is how we do it – teach them how to listen, they listen with your eyes ,with your ears and with your heart and if you have the temptation to talk just hold back and listen and that is how you understand.
A good leader listens and listens with compassion,curiosity so when when we do that we nurture them to be good men. Certain behaviours that they need to understand as a leader is authenticity.
Be authentic ,do not just be lousy so that later you will blame it on your wife .
They even like to go to scripture proverbs 14 A good woman bra bra
A good leader should be accountable ,but we have told the boys you can do anything you want I.e come back at 4am and the wife will serve you and and then sit and watch you as you eat and I always ask people so at 4am what meal are you eating ? is it early breakfast? is it tomorrow’s lunch ? or it is yesterdays super?.
Unfortunately even in church we focus on women and we are not challenging our boys to take on this accountability role as a leader. Be cause we forget that when he comes in at 4 there paternal deprivation of children,there is family confusion, where is your institution if you just keep coming in at 4 ?
Sarah: Ms Atwiine you have said a lot of things but I took note of something that I want us to see how to emphasize and see how to wrap it up. Mothers who are out there raising children, she mentioned that his young boy comes home that the Mum gets to know that he is being bullied by a girl in class. Ask your self a question ,how was she even able to find out that was happening ? That is the ministry of presence . Kindly emphasis on that because we will not catch it when we are entering at 3 am or when you are sited at the bar the entire evening as the children go to bed.
Evas : First of all do you know your children and what they are going through? Do you interact with them or you are there fighting and saying I am not coming home and do not call me .
There is a difference between a boss and a leader ,the leader who doesn’t know his people is a problem . A dad who has not connected with the children has lost the sense of authority. This is a unique contribution Dads bring to the lives of children and the entire family. This happens to all of us parents but most of the time when Dads are told that your boy is on drugs etc and they last interacted with the boy when he was in like s3 and now the boy is at the university. They go like how? How can you shame our family ? But does he even know what is going on in the life of this child ,do you know their straggles and their stresses,their triggers and their difficulties,do you know their worries and anxieties? How long do you interuct? You work every day and you come back past midnight,you leave when they are sleeping you come back when they are sleeping. You only come for the weekend and just take them for swimming and just watch them and most of the time we do that bribery but the question is do you know your child? Do you know their areas of improvement
Sarah: those small moment by ten years a mother is having a conversation with her son,the conversations should continue at 14,18 and till the university. We do not just jump in and I will take you back to the statement she said that in therapy and in coaching the belief is it is never too late to change the situation.
This is going to be series and today we are talking about raising a boy child to take their positions and Mrs Atwiine has laid a very good foundation.
So what would be your parting shots for today
Sarah :I will go back to ‘’it is never too late to do the right thing’’. Instead of spending time panicking and worrying let us identify what we need to do and in doing that we identify what help points are there.
If you need to speak to the therapist we are here to help just come to us. Do cycle analysis and know where your child is, skills in communicating with your child and calling out their God given gifts . Please be curious to learn parenting skills do not hesitate to contact us.
