5. Overreliance on fear and punishment. We’ve all heard stories of “tough love” approaches. While consequences are necessary at times, constantly instilling fear can damage a child’s self-esteem and sense of security. When I was in digital marketing, we often talked about how fear-based messaging can trigger quick responses but rarely builds brand loyalty in the long run. It’s not too different from parenting. Using fear might get short-term compliance—“If you don’t listen, I’m taking away your favorite gadget forever!”—but it risks weakening that deeper trust. Instead of fear tactics, focusing on natural or logical consequences can be more effective. Show kids how their actions lead to real-world outcomes, and emphasize learning rather than punishing. Children who understand the “why” behind rules often respect them more. Fear, on the other hand, breeds resentment and secrecy.
6. Dismissing their feelings. I’ve had moments where my niece or younger cousin says something like, “I’m sad I can’t go to my friend’s party,” and I catch myself responding with something dismissive like, “It’s not a big deal” or “You’ll get over it.” In my head, I might be thinking, “There will be other parties,” but to them, it might feel like the biggest event of the year. When we trivialize their emotions, it sends the signal that their feelings aren’t valid, or that they can’t trust us to take them seriously. Dale Carnegie famously said, “Remember that a person’s name is to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” I like to adapt that sentiment to emotions as well: a child’s feelings, no matter how small they seem to us, are everything in that moment.
Practicing empathy—acknowledging what they feel and discussing why—goes a long way. It shows them that we care about their perspective, which, in turn, teaches them to trust us with their vulnerabilities.
7. Being inconsistent. Consistency is one of the cornerstones of trust. Imagine working for a boss who changes the rules daily. You’d constantly wonder what’s acceptable. Kids feel the same confusion if one day we’re laid-back, but the next day we become harsh or hypercritical over the same behavior. When I was a teenager, I had a coach who was all about consistent rules. Whether we had a bad day or a shining performance, his attitude stayed even. No matter how my teammates or I behaved, we always knew where the boundary lines were and that he cared for us regardless. That consistency translated into respect—both for him and for each other. Being consistent doesn’t mean being rigid. It means establishing clear guidelines and responding predictably. Kids then learn they can rely on us to treat them fairly, come what may. That sense of stability can have a huge impact on whether they confide in us later.
8. Using sarcasm or mockery. Sarcasm can be funny with peers, but when it’s directed at kids, it often stings. They usually take our words at face value, and repeated joking at their expense can make them feel humiliated or misunderstood. I remember once, as a kid, an adult jokingly called me “Mrs. Know-It-All” in front of others. Everyone laughed, but I felt embarrassed. For weeks, I avoided sharing my ideas around that person for fear of being ridiculed. Simon Sinek once noted that empathy is key to leadership—leading a team or leading a family. Sarcastic jabs, even if meant playfully, can be a trust-killer when used carelessly. A lighthearted environment is great, but the best humor in a family is inclusive, not at someone’s expense. Maintaining respect in how we joke is yet another way to confirm that our child’s dignity matters.
9. Setting unrealistic expectations. Finally, let’s talk about the pressure we might place on kids. Whether it’s expecting straight A’s without fail or pushing them to excel in every sport, unrealistic standards can cause stress and distance. Kids who feel they’re perpetually disappointing us may conclude that they’ll never be “good enough.” Over time, that can fracture trust because they’ll avoid sharing fears or mistakes, anticipating criticism. Encouraging them to do their best, rather than pushing them to be “the best,” fosters a relationship where they know we’re in their corner.
At the end of the day, kids who sense unconditional support are far more likely to trust us with their dreams, dilemmas, and decisions when they’re older.
